Plan-B, so you don't start singing A, B, C, D

Zow… when I was in college in California, I had an American classmate whom I’ve gotten close with because she and I had the same vibe—gothic summer sluts. Tattoos… piercings… full beat… I was like yazz… sister slut! We always had some time to talk before class, because we were always the first ones there, we both loved Sociology, and the professor was exceptionally hot. 

One morning she walked in looking like absolute shit, complaining she hadn’t had enough sleep. When I asked what happened and if there was anything wrong, she said, “I told you, I was with Matt this weekend ‘coz he’s on liberty (her boyfriend was in the Navy and had time off)… and of course I wasn’t taking my pills ‘coz I thought he won’t be home for another month. I wasn’t gonna ask him to pull out… it’s been six months since his deployment. That’s just rude.”

I know, right? So considerate of her.

She then pulled out a unicorn-colored box from her Hot Topic purse and popped a pink pill off the casing, swallowing it down with a chug of water. The box had a massive “Plan-B” label plastered across.

Dumb, ignorant me asked, “What’s that?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… what is that?”

“Plan B,” she said, a little annoyed, as she shrugged and showed me the box like it was obvious.

I shook my head, and she finally got the jist that I really was ignorant about it.

“Oh my God… you don’t know Plan B?”

“No… I don’t.”

“You don’t have this in the Philippines?”

I shook my head once more.

“Oh my God! So what do you have there? What do you take when you don’t wanna get knocked up?” She looked worried, yet interested at the same time.

I shrugged. “I don’t know. I didn’t even know that exists.”

“Oh… wow… see? Now… aren’t you just thankful that you were exiled here?”

“I know… so many cute and tall boys too… I’m always feasting.” I giggled. “So how does it work? Plan B.”

“Okay… so… you take this pill when you don’t wanna get pregnant after sex. It’s just one pill… an emergency contraceptive pill.”

“Is it like… abortion?” I lowered my voice at the last word. I was so out of touch that even saying the word left a knot in my throat. As though I was saying something illegal.

“Oh my God… no… this is not abortion! Are you kidding? Not like that. It’s like… it stops you from releasing an egg so the sperm won’t be able to reach it… it will basically force you to get your period early. But you have take it withing 72 hours, or else it won’t work. It fucking sucks but… it’s fine…. I like getting my periods because I get so skinny after.” She pouted. “It’s always like a flush.”

“So you’re telling me… If I take that pill within 3 days of having unprotected sex… I won’t get pregnant? Guaranteed?”

“Yeah… if you’re not ovulating already. If you’re already ovulating it won’t work. It thins the walls of your uterus so any egg won’t be able to stick to it. It makes your uterus not livable for an egg. But it won’t work if the egg has already been released. But… there’s something about it also that slows down the movement of sperm, so they won’t reach the egg right away when you’ve already released an egg… but it’s not a hundred percent guaranteed. One fucker might be resilient and a strong swimmer, so he’ll be able to reach the egg anyway and create a mini you.”

“Ovulating?” It sounded like a tumor developing into something greater.

“You know… when you release an egg from your ovary?” She looked at me like I just asked her what 230,000 multiplied by 17 was.

“I didn’t even know we release eggs.” I shrugged.

“Jesus… you’re so cute. You didn’t have sex ed?”

“No… the closest thing to sex ed was Biology class. Reproduction of cells. That’s about it. I came from an all-girls school.” I pouted.

“What the actual fuck?” The disbelief was all over her face. “That sucks. No boys? What’s the point of school? That’s a thing in your country? Saaaaad. I won’t be able to survive.”

“I know… I’ve been in an all-girls school since first Grade.”

“Maaan… so how were you able to meet boys?”

“A slut always finds a way.” We both laughed.  

I remember the conversation so clearly because it opened me up to a world I didn’t even fucking know existed. I realized that we were so behind. I was so behind. The Philippines was soooo behind. I don’t even think anybody ever talked to me about pills… about anything in relation to sex. I would see my mom’s birth control pills that came in a hot pink cartridge lying around everywhere in the house, but I never bothered to ask… and she never bothered to talk to me about it. I’d always thought it was just something adult women took as a supplement. Until my parents exiled me to the US, I had no knowledge of sex ed. In my 16-year-old head, you just either get pregnant or you don’t.

In the US, Plan-B was visibly there in the feminine product aisle. It was right just beside pink and floral bottles of feminine hygiene products. It was on display right there…. no barrier… no glass casing… no warnings… no cautions… no signages… no requirement for a prescription… it was just there… accessible to all at $45… even to me. To 17-year-old me. The solution to population growth…. right there… at $45. I was able to add it to my cart at Target, have the cashier scan it across the counter, and walk out of Target without being asked for a prescription or ID, and I did the same thing a few times throughout my college years there.

During the times I had purchased that pill, the cashiers didn’t look at me dirty, never threw judgmental gazes, never gave me a reason to feel uncomfortable. At one point, one even said, “You should check their website and the papers, they sometimes have 5 to 8 dollars off coupons for this.” Which meant… she uses it… she has knowledge of it… she uses it more times than I did… and she’s a girl’s girl.

Zow… thanks to Michelle… I survived my slut-it-out years and did not get pregnant by hot, but deadbeat, Mexican father-to-bes I was slutting it out with.

But can you imagine? Can you imagine how sluttier I would have been? Had I known about it? Char… Just… Can you imagine how many lives it would have saved… how many children it would have saved from having deadbeat fathers…. how many teenage pregnancies it would have prevented? How many women it would have saved from bleeding out to death during illegal abortions? How many women would have had the chance to a normal life after being sexually abused and accidentally bearing the baby of their sexual offender not having the choice of not keeping the baby? Such a magical, essential thing.

Zow… fast forward to the year when I came back home here in Manila… immediately… “for closure”… I had met up with an ex-lover and had unprotected sex because why? Because… I was a reckless summer slut and the idiot of the year.

I was like… it’s fine… it’s fine… it’s fine. I’ll just take Plan-B like what I always did in Cali. It’s fine.

The morning after… no shower… no change of clothes and smelling like pubic hair on wrinkled testicle skin... I went to the nearest Mercury Drug Store and browsed through the shelves for Plan-B. There was no such thing on any of the shelves. So I walked up to the pharmacist behind the marble counter, and smiled like an idiot once she asked for my order.

I straightened my back, trying to act like a proper adult, despite only being 20. “Madam, Plan B, please, isa.”

She squinted her eyes in confusion. “Ano po ulit?” 

“Plan-B. Plan-B, One Step?”

“Ano po siya? For ano daw po yun?”

I repeated what I’d said, a little annoyed this time. “Plan-B… One-step… Naka box po siya na purple and green and blue… malake yung box… pero isa lang laman.”

She was still clueless and went ahead and approached her supervisor, who then approached me after as well. There were two of them now behind the counter trying to figure out what the fuck my order was like I was speaking Chinese.

“Ma’am, may picture po kayo or prescription?”

“No… it doesn’t need a prescription. It’s Puh-lan-Bee-Won-Step.” I enunciated even more, hoping they’d finally get it. Thankfully, I had remembered I had a picture of it on my iPhone and showed to them the screen.

“Ahh… levonorgestrel.” They looked at each other, then the supervisor looked at me then looked away so quickly to whisper to the pharmacist, who then looked at me like she was afraid I’d read her mind.

They exchanged inaudible sentences too low for me to here, and the supervisor stood there waiting for my reaction. “Ma’am… wala pa niyan dito sa Pilipinas.”

I could feel the back of my neck heating up, with my forehead climbing a temperature from my sweat. “Oh… that’s okay… Is there like an alternative brand? Kahit ano. I’ll take it.” 

“Ma’am, sorry, wala po. Banned po ang levonorgestrel dito sa Pilipinas. Kahit ano pong brand. Banned po siya talaga.”

What do you mean?... What do you mean?... What the fuck do you meeeeeeeeeeeeannn? I was like… biiiiiitch… WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN?

“So wala po dito kahit ano?”  I could feel my knees buckling.

“Opo. Di siya available dito satin kasi po iligal. Wala pa sa market.”

What the actual fuck??? How can it be illegal here when people in Cali take these pills like it’s a Flinstone’s multi?

“Pero sa states available siya… hind nga kelangan ng prescription. I take this. Are you sure? Can you check again?”

“Sorry, ma’am. Wala talaga siya… as in… hindi po binebenta ang kahit anong levonorgestrel pill dito sa Pilipinas. Kahit po sa ibang Mercury kayo pumunta, Wala pong ganyan.”

“Okay… that’s fine. Thank you,” I said.

“Yun lang po?”

I stood there for a moment, trying to think of something.“Yeah. Thank you.”

“Pregnancy test po, kelangan nyo?”

I forced a laugh. “Hindi po, thank you.” I forced another laugh, when I should’ve forced her out of the planet, this bitch.

In a panic… I called one of my slut friends who was working for a non-profit local government that was specifically established to help women of poverty.

I told her it’s been only less than 24 hours since I’ve had unprotected sex and in need of a Plan-B.

She said, “Bakla! Iligal talaga yan dito kasi pro-life pro-life kinimbular. Ano ba yan sure ka na ontis ka or not sure pa gusto mo lang maka sure?”

“Gusto ko lang maka sure.”

“Wala ka mahahanap na ganyan dito kahit saan. Sa Black market siguro, pero wala nyan dito talaga. Mag Yuzpe method ka na lang!”

“What’s the Yuzpe method?”

“Ano pills mo ngayon? Or ano pills mo na hiyang ka?”

“Yaz, but it’s also not available here and I need a prescription. Sa America naman walang ganyan ganyan.”

“Oo bakla, ganyan talaga dito, paharipan maging pokpok. ”

“I can’t wait for a doctor’s appointment for a prescription. That would take too long.”

“Go ka dito sa office, bakla ka ng taon!”

And so I did. Upon seeing her, she immediately handed me a pink pill cartridge and instructed me to take 4 all at once.

“Tanginamo, apat agad? Sure ka?” I asked her.

“Apat na pills or apat na anak? Pili ka.” She threatened.

“Pakyu.” I whined.

“Pakarat pa!” She teased and then gave me the entire box. “After 12 hours, take 4 more. Exactly 12 hours. 8 pills in total.”

“Then what?”

“Sa bahay ka muna mag lagi kasi duduguin ka talaga ng bonnga.”

“As in?”

“Oo nga… ako nga nagsusuka pa.”

“But what will it do? What does it actually do?”

“Pppwersahin nya yung uterus mo mag shed ng lining para hindi mag implant ang egg kung sakali mag ovulate ka at mag release ka ng egg. Para di tumuloy yung ovulation mo. It’s basically a forced period. Kung sakali man na nagrelease ka na ng egg at ovulating ka na,

papakapalin niya din yung mucus mo sa kipay para mahirapan makalangoy yung shumod papunta sa egg. Babagal sila makagalaw, babagal sila makalangoy, either mamamatay na lang sila bago makaabot sa egg na nirelease mo dahil or mauubusan sila ng oras na makaabot sa egg.

Mind-fucking-blown. “It’s Plan-B, but 8 pills, instead of 1!” I shrieked.

“So it’s not abortion, right?”

“No… it’s not. You’re preventing an embryo to form. It’s not abortion because there’s nothing to abort.”

This is why you get hot and smart friends, bitches.

After taking the 8 pills in total… I didn’t really feel shit. Just mild cramps… more like… menstrual cramps… nothing intolerable. But I did bleed within that week. I bled a shit ton. Like a fucking massacre in my crotch. I consumed nearly 4 packs of maxi pads for only 1 week of bleeding. It was literally like a long, heavy period. The flow was like it was Day 2 everyday. That heavy. But it meant that I wasn’t pregnant and that’s a small price to pay.

But of course… it’s not something you can do every time and all the time because that shit would fuck you up because that’s quadruple the amount of estrogen and progestin, which can lead to hormonal imbalance and irregular periods… which means… you may turn into Patricia in James McAvoy’s 2016 Split under repetitive use of this method… I’ve only used this method a handful of times and look at me… I’ve turned into a bipolar slut loving my husband one minute and wanting to punch him in the throat the next. Zow… chill in its usage, mmmkay?

Just… don’t be like me, okay? Be a slut… but don’t be an idiot slut... be a smart slut. Take your damn birth control pills, bitch. I’m fucking tell you right now… as a mother of three… these babies… are focking expensive. They’re my

Zow… for now… please… let’s rely on Dr. Albert Yuzpe… the inventor of the method… patron saint of saving women from unplanned pregnancies… and take your Yaz… Seasonique… Nordette… Lady… whatever brand your body is comfortable with (it takes a few tries and switches of brands to know what brand your body is okay with… so be patient with it. You’ll know that a BC brand is good for you when you’re glowing, instead of looking like flood control corruption nepo babies).

Zow… what did you learn today from dizz ho?

1.     Yuzpe should only be a last resort option, not a go to.

2.     Take your birth control pills because babies are fucking expensive. It’s your responsibility to educate yourself on how not to get pregnant because you’re a summer slut. Don’t rely on men to know how not to get your pregnant because many of them are idiots.

3.     Learn the calendar method if you don’t want to take BC pills (only if your period comes regularly, if you have PCOS and if your period is irregular, the more that you should be on birth control pills to regulate your period, bitch).

4.     You cannot buy Plan-B or any emergency contraceptives from any drugstore across the country, not one of them sells any type or other brand of Plan-B… not one… because the Philippine government wants greater population growth. Because more people, means more taxes, and more taxes to corrupt. Char… not char… but… it is illegal in our country because the catholic church sees it as a form of abortion. I get it… it’s the for the safety of both mother and child… because its usage can be abused, which can lead to complications. I get it… I can wrap my head around it. But you can purchase emergency contraceptives online… somewhere… they’re there in the web. I can’t direct you to them because I won’t survive in a women’s prison because there are no handsome men. Zow… for now… just use the Yuzpe method during emergencies (e.g., one-night stands, impulsive, yet spontaneous sextivities).

5.     It takes a couple of attempts to find the right contraceptive pill brand that works for you. Some may make you look like Gollum, whereas others may make you look like Arwen. It depends on your body and how the pill responds to it. Zow… keep trying and finding the right one. It usually takes 3 months for your body to adjust to the pill. I know… fuck men and why can’t they be the one to do this shit, right? I found that Nordette, gives me palpitations, Seasonique doesn’t give me palpitations, but makes me bloat like a puffer fish, Dianne makes me glow, but makes my vajeen pork floss dry, and Yaz cleared up my acne, for real, and doesn’t make me bloat as much. Zow… see? It takes a couple of tries to get to what works for your body. I would suggest injectables for convenience… but a doctor friend discouraged me from using it because it shrinks the bones. But it’s still entirely up to you. I think you’re only using it once or twice and don’t want to rely on it forever, should be fine. That’s et for today.

We only have one life, bitch. We’re running out of time as we speak. Zow… tick tock suck his cock. Use his dyick, spend his money, sit on his face, but love him like his testicles taste like popsicles.

Love,

Nikkifikfik